


Cuddling

by ladyshadowdrake



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 20:51:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19894168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyshadowdrake/pseuds/ladyshadowdrake
Summary: The thing he missed the most about Pepper – okay, that was a lie, he missed almost everything about Pepper – but the thing he was really surprised that he missed was the cuddling. So it shouldn’t have been anything new when he realized that Steve didn’t like to cuddle.





	Cuddling

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested to be moved over from my Tumblr! This was original a Bingo prompt ("cuddling") from 2015. Only very minor changes have been made, but you can find the original post here: https://lightshadowverisimilitude.tumblr.com/post/138436766510/this-was-started-as-im-going-to-write-cute

The thing he missed the most about Pepper – okay, that was a lie, he missed almost everything about Pepper – but the thing he was really surprised that he missed was the cuddling. He hadn’t realized how much he enjoyed cuddling until he didn’t have the option anymore. Curling around a pillow wasn’t the same – even that ridiculous body pillow that had tentacle-y arms to cuddle back – and he didn’t sleep as well without the ghost of Pepper’s breath on the back of his neck. At first, he told himself that he would get over it. He hadn’t had anyone to cuddle with for the first forty years, he would get used to going to bed alone, waking up alone, gasping through the nightmares alone. Yet, almost a year later, he still dreaded going to bed, and mostly curled up on the couch in the lab when he just couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer.

So it shouldn’t have been anything new when he realized that Steve didn’t like to cuddle. In Steve’s defense, they were just fucking – and it was usually I-am-so-angry-with-you-that-if-we-don’t-handle-it-this-way-I-will-punch-you-in-the-face fucking, so. But if Tony stayed quiet after they finished and let Steve catch his breath, there were a few moments that Steve would keep his arms around Tony’s chest, his breath on the back of Tony’s neck, his heart beating strong and wild against Tony’s spine. It was almost like cuddling.

“You could stay,” Tony offered stupidly, haltingly, one morning. The sex hadn’t been angry, hadn’t been the result of fighting, they were just both there and the tower was otherwise empty, so why not? If there was any time he was going to ask for it, good-mood-fucking seemed like the best option.

Steve mouthed at the back of his neck, not a kiss, and not a bite. “I’m sure you’re busy,” he said, pulling away. He made a soft sound of discomfort as he slipped free of Tony’s body, and trailed a hand appreciatively over Tony’s hip as he stepped back.

Tony cursed at himself. Steve would have stayed for another minute at least if he’d just kept his mouth shut. He took a moment to push the disappointment away before straightening up and reaching for his pants. His hips ached from the position and he was getting a little too old to do the ‘bent over convenient flat surface’ thing so frequently, but this was how it worked, and it was good, and he didn’t need to rock the proverbial boat. He could hear Steve’s belt buckle clinking as he put his clothes back together, but he didn’t turn around to look at him.

“Thank you,” Steve said at the door. He always did, even when the sex was at their angriest, like it was some kind of polite exchange. Like Tony was doing him a favor.

“Mmmhm,” Tony murmured without looking at him. He pulled up a schematic and made doodles on it so he looked busy. Steve lingered at the door for a moment, and then was gone. Tony let the stylus drop. He pushed the schematic away without saving any of the doodles, and made his way to the bathroom to clean up. It was fine, really.

~*~

He fell asleep against Rhodey’s shoulder on the couch in the Avenger’s common room. It wasn’t his fault. He’d been awake for two days, and there had been slimy green lizard mutant things, and Rhodey was familiar, and warm, and smelled like Calvin Klein’s _Obsession_ , and it was Tony favorite cologne on him. He woke up as soon as Rhodey’s arm shifted to fall around his ribs, but it felt so good to just be held that he pretended he was still sleeping. He kept himself awake with his eyes closed for as long as he could to enjoy the comfortable weight of his best friend’s arm, but the slimy green lizard mutant things had taken it out of him. He woke up in the morning curled around a pillow, draped in a blanket that didn’t smell like Rhodey at all, but he’d slept better than he had in weeks.

He redesigned Rhodey’s targeting system the next night and increased the efficiency of his thrusters by eleven percent.

“This is awesome,” Rhodey said. Tony was just grateful he hadn’t said _thank you_.

~*~

They seemed to fight even more since they’d started solving their problems through mutually beneficial orgasms.

“You do this on purpose,” Steve accused, holding Tony down with one big hand in the middle of his back. He yanked at Tony’s belt buckle and leaned down to bite at his shoulder. “You piss me off just for this.”

“Mighty high opinion of yourself, Captain Anger-Management,” Tony snapped back, because he wasn’t in the mood for banter, and he was tired of being held face-down. He braced his hands against the table and shoved back hard. Not expecting it, Steve stumbled backward. When Tony twisted to look at him, his eyebrows were furrowed together.

“Tony?” he asked uncertainly, some of the fight seeming to go out of him.

That wasn’t what Tony wanted either, so he swiped the lube off the table and stepped out of his pants. Steve watched him with hungry, confused eyes, but he went willingly when Tony pushed him backwards to the couch. Steve landed hard, already naked from the waist down, and watched warily as Tony stripped off his shirt and left it in a pile on the floor. His eyes drifted over the puddle of cloth and back up to Tony’s face.

“Now you,” Tony explained patiently. If Steve was going to use him to release pent-up frustration, Tony at least deserved to see him naked. Steve didn’t protest. He pulled the t-shirt over his head and dropped it on the ground. Tony tossed him the lube and then folded down into his lap, curling over to tuck his face against Steve’s neck.

Steve kept his arms around Tony’s back to control their pace, and that was fine because cuddling during sex was almost as good as cuddling to cuddle. Tony legs were trembling by the time Steve finally pushed his forehead against Tony’s collarbone and shuddered his way through an orgasm, but it gave Tony the perfect excuse to put his arms around Steve’s shoulders and rest his cheek on the top of Steve’s head.

“Thank you,” Steve said against his skin. He braced his hands on Tony’s hips to move him, but Tony tightened his hold.

“Let me,” he said, but that was too honest and too much like begging, so he added, “Catch my breath.”

Steve relaxed. He shifted so their bodies separated, but let his arms rest loosely around Tony’s waist. It was nice. Tony would have stayed there all day, but it wasn’t what they were there for, wasn’t what Steve came to him for, and Tony didn’t want to scare him away. He took one more breath and shifted to sit beside him.

“Guess we can talk about this like civilized people now?” Tony mused.

Steve glanced between their still-naked bodies. He barked out a brief laugh and stretched, bumping his calf into Tony’s. “Maybe we should suggest this as negotiating tactics for the UN.”

Tony shuddered. “Just as long as they don’t have open sessions streaming live.”

“I don’t know why I can’t keep my temper with you,” Steve confessed.

“You can’t keep your temper with me because it gets you laid. Classical conditioning.” Tony shifted and stretched as well, arms and legs going wide. When he relaxed, they were pressed together from shoulder to elbow.

“I guess so,” Steve agreed. “Can you try, just a little harder, to listen to me in the field? I’m not going to expect you to respect me anywhere else, but just in the field, trust me to know what I’m doing. Help me make this team work.”

His voice hit Tony like a repulsor blast to the gut. He frowned. “I respect you.”

Steve snorted. He pushed himself off the couch and started gathering up his clothing. He didn’t say anything else until he was tucked away and buttoned up, belt buckled and shoes back on. “I’ll see you for training tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed. He watched Steve walk away and stayed on the couch well past the point that the leather started getting gross.

~*~

He didn’t remember Natasha being next to him on the loveseat, but it was her hair tickling his forehead that woke him up. For just half a second, he wanted to fall into the delusion that it was Pepper’s shoulder he was drooling on, Pepper’s hair wisping across his skin, but Natasha’s shoulders were broader, her chest was bigger and sat higher, her hair was shorter, and she used a peppermint shampoo. Pepper had always used grapefruit.

Tony pushed himself away from Natasha’s shoulder and made a noise that sounded like _sorry_. She made a noise that sounded like _don’t worry about it_. She didn’t look at him as scrubbed his hands across his face and steeled himself to stand up. He was so fucking tired. He wanted to fall back to her shoulder, but he doubted he could pull off it-was-an-accident-I-swear twice in one night.

He got to his feet and waved a vague goodnight to the room. He considered the penthouse, but eventually asked Jarvis to take him to the workshop. Tony didn’t even bother with the pretense of working. He grabbed a blanket and pillow out of the cupboard and curled up in the spot where he and Steve had almost-kind-of cuddled.

The next day, he had a pair of a Louis Vuitton’s custom built with hollow wedges, and then filled them with Super Spy Gadgets. And a phone. Just for fun. Natasha wore them to her next press event and it made Tony smile.

~*~

It had developed into a pattern. The team invited him up for hey-we’re-all-awake-wanna-watch-X-Files? And Tony started out with perfectly good intentions of explaining why Scully was such a horrible example of a scientist, but he ended up curled against someone within a few minutes of the opening music. He’d managed to fall asleep in Bruce’s lap, tucked into Clint’s neck, twice on Natasha, once wedged between Sam’s back and the cushions, and woke up in the process of draping his leg over Rhodey’s knee twice. The one time he’d fallen asleep on Thor, the bigger man had gathered him up like a teddy bear and it had taken Tony ten minutes of squirming to get out of his grip. It had gotten out of hand, and he couldn’t keep doing it – even with ‘thank you for letting me force-cuddle you last night’ presents – or they would put it together. He was surprised they hadn’t already.

“We’re watching _Firefly_ tonight, Stark,” Clint told him from the vid-com, leaning way too close to the monitor in the common room. “Coming?”

He liked _Firefly_. He shifted automatically to stand, but resettled his weight. “Not this time,” he said unhappily. “Too much to do. Eat some eggrolls for me.”

“Come on. You work too much. Everyone’s here, and we’re not going to wait for you all night.”

“You don’t even have to wait for me for five more seconds,” Tony snapped. “Enjoy your show. See you tomorrow.”

Clint made a huffy, frustrated noise, but he said, “Whatever. Have fun with your toys.” He blew a kiss at the screen and disconnected. Tony had Jarvis stream the movie on the workshop monitor and tinkered with the StarkPhone7 for Pepper.

~*~

“Why have you stopped coming to team movie nights?” Steve asked one afternoon, apropos of nothing, while Tony ‘caught his breath’ in Steve’s lap. Steve started tapping his fingers impatiently on Tony’s side, so Tony gave up and slid out of his lap. He didn’t settle on the couch, but climbed directly to his feet and started gathering clothes, putting some space between them.

“What do you mean?” he asked as he fished a shoe out from under his workshop stool. U helpfully offered him a sock. Tony threw it at Steve.

“The last five times we’ve gotten together, you haven’t come.”

“Really?” Tony asked innocently. “Guess I didn’t notice. Busy, you know. SI, making everybody look cool, building things.” He shrugged.

“You’re not avoiding anyone?” Steve prompted softly.

“No,” Tony answered – it wasn’t a lie. He wasn’t avoiding anyone in particular. He was just avoiding them all.

Steve nodded. He ducked his head to stare at his sock as if he was inspecting it for fibers out of place. He’d been weird since the first time they’d had sex on the couch. He wasn’t as aggressive with Tony anymore, they didn’t fight as much, and sex wasn’t always preceded by Steve getting red in the face with anger. It was nice, but it was also different. Tony knew enough about ‘different’ with relationships to know it meant a goodbye was coming around the corner. He was ready for it, but he wasn’t going to hurry it along either.

“Thank you,” Steve said once he was dressed.

Tony drew in his breath slowly and let it out slowly so it wouldn’t sound like a sigh. “Yeah,” he answered, because _you’re welcome_ was wrongwrongwrong.

“See you tonight?”

“Pretty busy with the security contract for the Pentagon,” Tony said for a pre-emptive excuse. Also not a lie. “Maybe,” he said when Steve didn’t respond or move for several seconds.

“Old horror movies tonight,” Steve continued unexpectedly. “ _Creature from the Black Lagoon_ , I think.”

“Sounds like fun.” It did. Tony loved those cheesy things.

Steve stayed in the doorway for a few more minutes, and Tony finally looked up at him. His lips twitched in an anemic smile, and he turned to go.

~*~

Tony did show up for Old Horror Movie Night. He sat in the recliner by himself, and managed to stay awake. Clint and Steve got into a fight over the popcorn halfway through and it ended up knocked into the air.

Most of it landed all over Thor, who just started eating the pieces out of his lap with a good-natured smile. He brandished the hammer suddenly at the television. “Have a care, maiden!” he shouted, startling Sam out of a light doze and making Clint burst into laughter.

Tony slipped away at the end. He really _was_ busy with the security contract, and was going to have to skip even the couch that night if he wanted it done on time.

~*~

“Captain Rogers is requesting entry to the lab, Sir,” Jarvis announced over the music. Tony thumbed the welder off and nudged his faceplate up. He glared at the hunk of metal on his workstation and set the welder aside. It wasn’t like he was getting anywhere with it.

“Let him in.” Tony stepped out of the suit as Steve walked in. He looked like he’d just come from the gym shower, that sort of clean-damp that looked so good on him.

Steve gave the failed bot on the table a curious look. “What are you working on?”

“Modern art,” Tony answered. Steve frowned at him, but it wasn’t a lie. The goddamned thing wasn’t going to be good for anything other than decorating someone’s lawn at this rate. It was a mess – he just couldn’t get it to come together right. Surprise, fucking surprise.

“I see.” They stared at each other for a few awkward moments, and then Steve stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Tony’s waist. He ducked down to bring their mouths together. Tony felt antsy with tired energy, but he laced his arms around Steve’s neck and enjoyed the moment of closeness. He pretended that this was just something they did - hugged and kissed for no reason other than to hug and kiss. It lasted until Steve’s hands smoothed down the curve of his back and curled around his ass, tugging him forward.

“Can we not today?” Tony blurted out. Steve went still under him, and Tony replayed the last three seconds – yup, he’d said that out loud.

Steve looked disappointed, but he took his hands away from Tony’s ass and moved back. “Sure,” he said with a shrug that he was trying to pass off as casual. He gave Tony a tight smile and turned away. “I’ll leave you alone.”

“Fuck, Steve. Stop. I didn’t.” Tony ran a frustrated hand through his hair and tugged hard. Steve stopped and turned to look at him cautiously. “I’m just tired, and I haven’t showered since... Whatever today is, it wasn’t today. Just.” Tony clawed at the back of his neck, feeling grimy and jumpy. “Give me a few minutes to shower, okay?’

Steve’s frown took on a note of something concerned. “Tony… we don’t have to do anything.”

Snorting, Tony said, “I’d be stupid to turn down sex with Captain America, right?”

Tony had fucked that up, of course. He fucked up even when he was at his best, and he definitely wasn’t at his best.

Steve’s jaw clenched. “Right. Wouldn’t want to pass up the chance to fuck a national icon.”

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Tony said. He slouched into a chair and put his forehead in his palm. “I’m just tired. Ignore me.” 

It was quiet for so long that Tony wondered if Steve had just turned around and walked away. He wouldn’t have blamed him. It would be easier. “When was the last time you slept, Tony?”

Resisting the manic laugh pounding on his chest, Tony said, “Doesn’t matter.”

He looked up to see Steve examining him. He had his hands on his hips, his head tipped to the left, eyes narrowed. Abruptly, he asked, “Why don’t you ever fall asleep on me?”

Tony was so taken aback by the question that he just blinked at Steve for several seconds. “What?”

“You fall asleep on everyone but me. Natasha, Sam, even Bruce. Why?”

“I don’t. It’s not my fault that I. I can’t help if it I slip sideways when I’m asleep. It’s not.” Tony’s breath came in fast little pants and his stomach twisted. “I don’t mean to. Sorry?”

“Is it because of this?” Steve asked, motioning in between them. “You don’t want anyone else to suspect? Or you can only handle touching me when you’re pissed off?”

The strange anxious twist in his chest bloomed into hot, angry acid. “That is not fair,” he snarled, pointing a finger at Steve, who just crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re the one who leaves! You’re the one who only comes to me when you have steam to blow off.”

“And when do you come to me?” Steve demanded.

“I asked you to stay!” The words thundered in the lab space in sharp cracks. Tony realized he’d yelled and snapped his teeth shut. He didn’t yell. Ever. He took a few breaths – it was just because he was tired.

Steve just stared at him. “I thought you were being polite,” he said quietly. His expression had shifted from angry to devastated, and it just made Tony mad.

“ _Thank you,_ ” Tony mocked in a nasty sneer.

Steve winced. He straightened his spine in a fluid roll, his expression settling into something distant and cool. “I’m sorry. Obviously I’ve misread.”

He turned to go and Tony almost threw something at him. He _might_ have really thrown something if he’d had anything in reach that didn’t weigh at least a hundred and twelve pounds. He kicked his stool away instead and let it clatter on the concrete floor. Steve spun automatically, hands coming up like he thought Tony might be attacking him.

“I just thought it would be enough,” Tony confessed to his hands after a moment of awful silence filled with nothing but the sound of them breathing and the _whirr_ of the bots’ servos. He dropped his hands to his sides, the momentary burst of anger-born energy fading and just leaving him _tired_. He couldn’t remember ever not feeling so lost in his own skin. He must have, once, but maybe he’d just been lying to himself so there was a glimmer of hope that it might not always feel like this. “The sex is good, and I just thought it would be enough to.” He made a helpless noise against his teeth and pressed his hands in his eyes. “You hold me sometimes, and I thought. If I just didn’t say anything. Maybe you would stay like that.”

Shocked, Steve started, “Tony –”

Tony turned away before Steve could get anything else out. It was bad enough that he’d even managed to _say it out loud, God his life had become a YA novel_. “I’m just tired. Ignore me.”

He crossed the lab in a few anxious steps, but stopped at the bathroom door. Steve was going to walk out of his lab and never come back again, and Tony had already said enough stupid things that one more wouldn’t matter. “I can count on my fingers the number of people I respect,” he said, “And I respect you more than most.”

He couldn’t make himself say _goodbye_ , or wait for Steve to say one more word. Tony closed the bathroom door gently behind him and rested his shoulders against it. He ran the shower as hot as he could take it and stayed under the spray until his skin started to hurt.

~*~

He’d been tricked. The meeting reminder had said _Team Meeting_. Jarvis had rearranged his entire schedule to accommodate it. Tony stood in the entryway of the commons room and glared down at the cluster of couches and cushions surrounding the TV. Chinese takeout boxes were spread out over the coffee table and the kitchen counter. There was a plate of fresh-baked cookies on the end table. Bowls of popcorn were on the floor in strategic places. His team was stuffed into couches and chairs, Clint was spread out on the floor with Natasha. The only seat left available was the loveseat. With Steve. They were all staring at him. Except Steve.

“If this is how we’re going to do be doing team meetings from now on,” he said finally, forcing the tight line of his lips to soften, “You can probably just conference call me.”

“Shut up,” Clint ordered. “It’s a team _builder_. We’re going to watch Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on mute and do the commentary ourselves.”

“Calendar reminder said _Team Meeting_ ,” Tony grouched. “I had to cancel important things for this.”

“Which means your schedule is completely free now,” Natasha pointed out.

“It’s important for team morale and cohesion, Tony,” Sam said. “Just stop being a baby and sit down. An hour and you can get out of here.” 

Tony’s eyes flickered over to Steve, who still wasn’t looking at him. He sighed, grabbed a carton of pepper beef with broccoli, another of rice, and a pair of chopsticks. Steve didn’t tense up as Tony sat down next to him, but the space between them became suddenly charged. Tony wasn’t sure he could make it an hour, but he did. It was a game that he and Rhodey used to play at MIT, becoming more outlandish with each cheap beer they threw back. By the time the hour had passed and Clint had seamlessly switched Mystery Science Theatre 3000 for Scrubs, Tony had relaxed despite himself. It was the first decent meal he’d had in days, and the first time he’d been in the common area in more than a month.

Things had been quiet on the Avengers front since his and Steve’s blowout, and Tony hadn’t heard so much as a peep out of the other man in about three weeks. He vacillated between relieved that he’d finally said it, and angry that he’d ever opened his mouth. Mostly, stupidly, he missed Steve, even the very limited part of Steve he’d had. Maybe he could invite Steve back to the lab and they could pretend it hadn’t happened. Or he could make an end run around the invitation altogether and just pick a fight.

Tony was trying to come up with a decent fight to engineer when he felt a gentle brush of warmth against his hand. He looked down at where his and Steve’s hands almost touched, and then up to find Steve looking back at him.

“Are you free on Friday?” he asked so softly that Tony barely heard him over the TV.

Tony gave him an uncertain look. He wasn’t technically ‘free’ any day. Between SI, tech for the Avengers, the occasional baddie who decided to upend his schedule, and the work he managed to squeeze in for his charities, he was always swamped. “Not sure,” he lied, equal parts uneasy and curious.

Moving very slowly, Steve slipped his hand under Tony’s. When Tony didn’t pull away, he laced their fingers together. “Will you go on a date with me this Friday? Nothing fancy,” he added quickly, still whispering. “I thought we could talk? Out of the workshop.”

“Yeah,” Tony answered. He might be already be asleep and dreaming, but just in case… “Yes, we can do. That.”

Steve smiled at him in the semi darkness. He gently untangled his hand from Tony’s and cautiously held his arm up in an invitation. Tony gaped at him for several seconds while the Scrubs cast broke into song and Clint helpfully sung along. Tony should have gotten up and left – it wasn’t the right place for it – but he leaned slowly sideways instead. Steve closed his arm around Tony’s shoulders. He smelled like leather and lemongrass laundry soap.

Tony set his head in the comfortable hollow of Steve’s shoulder and was asleep in minutes.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading!


End file.
